I recently started going into LDS religious chatrooms and discovered an entire sub culture. It was so amusing, I had to come up with categories just to keep track. I call this blog Mormon's in Transition, because transition is the most intense stage of Labor and Delivery...I know this blog REEKS of stereotypes, so those of you who get worked up over such things...don't read, if you are a fellow profiler such as myself...read and you'll understand.
Mor-Mom: A Latter Day Saint female, usually temple sealed to a Mor-Man, who has discovered that the words "husband" and "children" are synonymous. She watches with wisdom, patience and faith as her family deals with the eternal principles of opposition, temptation, agency and sets righteous boundaries without resorting to violence (usually). She lovingly brainwashes her children and prays that her efforts result in "Clean Minds," Stereotypically they are well educated, but choose to stay home while their kids are little, trading career ambitions for late nights and stretchmarks. They learn that unused maxi-pads can double as breast pads and believe it's okay to mix lime Jello and shredded carrots."
Mor-Man: An LDS guy who honors his Priesthood, provides temporally and spiritually for his family and leads by example...they can often be seen wearing white shirts and ties, treating people with "kindess, gentleness and love unfeigned," and surrounded by little people who share their DNA. They have their challenges and weaknesses, but Heavenly Father picks up the slack. They ultimately discover that while it may be the "nature and disposition of almost all men to exercise unrighteous dominion," they should never go there, because eternity is a LONG time to spend with an unhappy Mor-Mom.
For-Mon's and Slo-Mo's: Often found to coincide with one another "For-Mons" are Former Latter Day Saints who agree with LDS doctrine, but find it too difficult to follow or suffered personality differences with other members who perhaps behaved like Rude-Mo's and hurt their feelings. Unable to forgive the transgressions of others they fall into inactivity. Slo-Mo's, however, are uncommitted or just plain lazy, they stay home on Sunday, don't pay tithing, and put "other" as their Myspace religious preference while convincing themselves that someday they'll return to the fold when it's socially acceptable or more convenient.
Pro-Mo's: LDS people who spread the gospel, keep the commandments, and often replace cuss words with strange non-words no one has ever heard of while acting like Pepsi and Cocaine are one in the same. They would rather walk and starve than buy gas or food on the Sabbath and ride bicycles through parts of town most people are afraid to drive through. When someone steals their bikes and Books of Mormon they get on their knees and pray that the thieves know how to read. They are also called MISSIONARIES
Psycho-Mo's: Not to be confused with Pro-Mo's are Latter Day Saints who have a lot of knowledge but become obsessive with the gospel and begin to believe that it is THEY ALONE who can save you. Because the LDS church makes an allowance for "personal revelation" there's bound to be some lunatics. Quite, often they start out with very good intentions, but begin to take doctrine and obsessively tweak it. While many of these people also suffer from co-occuring disorders and need our sympathy and understanding, we must also realize that they are being controlled by fear, paranoia, and a desire to remove our agency. They believe that women should live in fearful awe of them and do ALL that is commanded them, using religion as a tool of power. Psycho-Mo's may be male or female, but the female version is generally just an extension of the male....duh. In their minds, having a different view then theirs, is wicked and they use "righteous anger" to convince you of this. While the highest concentration of these folks have been spotted in Utah, they can be found anywhere. Remember that these LDS persons are under the influence of Satan so proceed with caution.
Normans and Mo-Mo's: Moderate Mormons who act like normal people. According to Psycho-Mo's, Normans live right on the edge of obedience, because they never drink coffee or tea but may be seen with a severe addictions to Pepsi, Yerba Mate, or chocolate. They occasionally use birth control, watch football on Sunday and might even cuss if they hammer their thumb or get cut off in traffic. Mo-Mo's are not Slow-Mo's or Pro-Mo's, but something in between. They are not ashamed to take Nyquil for a cold, are often tempted to watch rated R movies (even if they don't) and have probably read first Nephi 47 times. Mo-Mo's are the LDS majority. These good people understand the principle of parables and usually avoid extremes by taking in what they can handle, slowly working toward Pro-Mo status Mo-Mo's understand it is progression that leads to perfection...not the other way around.
Ex-Mo's: Mormons who had the Gospel, perhaps even practiced it faithfully as Pro-Mo's, but committed grievous sins that got them ex-communicated. Ex-Mo's have learned about the very real power Satan possesses. Because of their knowledge they wind up at a crossroad with two distict paths. One for Sons of God and the other...Sons of Perdition. Unfortunately, those who don't repent, usually wind up being Anti-Mo's.
G.I. Mo's: These are Mormons who are serving our country by risking their lives for freedom and can often be seen carrying Am-Mo. They pray for peace, but like Captain Moroni, are in defense of their Families and Religion. These people should be in our prayers often because they are making the ultimate sacrifice.
Jack Mo's: Are Latter Day Saints who were baptized because they felt coerced by others or wanted to marry a future Morman or Mormom, but never really had a testimony and aren't interested in getting one. Eventually they find it impossible to keep their covenants. They can often be seen at the bar on Saturday and church on Sunday...or divorce court Mon.-Fri.
Non-Mo's: People who have either never heard of the gospel or aren't interested because they don't know what they're missing. They think Gentiles are the reproductive parts of their anatomy and often believe that Mormons are Amish, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Extra Terrestrials with more than one wife.
Anti-Mo's: LDS people who have become bitter against the church for various reasons, who try to portray Mormons in the worse possible light, attempting to ease their own guilt. They tend to make movies like the "Godmakers" or use un-scientific claims of DNA evidence against the book of Mormon and should not be confused with fanatical Non-Mo's who hate the Book of Mormon, but have never read it. Usually, Anti- Mo's are generally ForMans or Jack-Mo's who become Ex-Mo's and then Anti-Mo's. Most anti-Mo's KNOW the church is true, but would rather allow Satan to play puppet master than humble themselves.
L-Mo's: Life-Long Mormons. These are children born under the covenant to Mormon parents who either listened to their folks and avoided many of the common pitfalls of youth, or went through a process of rebellion that rivaled Lucifers, only to wind up sitting together on Sunday in a pew full of squirmy little L-Mo's, sharing Cheerios, baby wipes and testimonies.
New-Mo's: are newly baptized LDS people who haven't quite figured out what they've gotten themselves into, yet, but are more than willing to learn. They have the hyper-vigilence of a convert, reminding the fellow congregation to work on their own testimonies instead of letting them grow stagnant. New-Mo's have a special place in a church that now has more converts than L-Mo's in some places. Building Zion is a lot of work and without the willing hearts and hands of New-Mo's, we'd risk extinction and then there would be No-Mo's.
Pre-Mo's: Non-Mormons who suspect the Gospel may be true, but aren't willing just yet to take the plunge. They are usually the family members or co-workers of converted Pro-Mos, Mormen, and Mormoms who don't mind if you baptize them posthumously because they feel it betters their odds, but wouldn't dream of paying tithing because they would rather spend money on important things like smoking, drinking, Casinos and rated R-movies.
Show-Mos: These are LDS people who in fine Sadducee form walk the aisles at church like they are hitting the Vogue runway and avoid food on "Fast Sunday" in order to lose that extra five pounds. They go to great lengths to keep up the appearance of a perfect marriage and children. Obedient, distant and well prepared out of fear. They give their ten percent to the Lord and fifty percent to Neiman Marcus and the BMW dealer while cautiously eyeing the Non-Mo visitor who smells like cigarettes and wears blue jeans in the chapel or the Po-Mo with the Ford Econoline. They are usually outed by their own little L-Mo's who believe that the purpose of their existance is to humble their parents so that they can someday be together for "time and all eternity."
Po-Mo's: Mormons of all ages can fit into this category from young Pro-Mo's L-Mo's and newly wedmo's to Show-Mo's who discovered charity. They are Saints who live the gospel and pay tithing even when it's a choice between food for their children and gas for the van. Both require a massive amout of fuel, and yet they seem to make it to church EVERY Sunday and nobody's dying of starvation. They appear to be down on their luck, but will be the first to tell you that they've been blessed with more than they could have ever imagined. Often at the recieving end of unrighteous judgment, they don't seem to care, because they have mastered the concepts of service and sacrfice. Uncertainty is replaced by faith and in the end no sleep is lost.
What do they all have in common? Almost every LDS person you meet has been there, done that. Myself included. I am currently working toward pro-Mo status, but am actually an "L-Mo, Norman, Mo-Mo, Mor-Mom who's too much of a Po-Mo to be a Show-Mo, but have in the past been an Anti-Mo, For-Man, and Jack-Mo. What I've learned is that we are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to return home. I have seen those with faith stronger than mine, lose their way, so while I may have discovered a quiet grove it would be unwise to consider myself out of the woods...ever. We take different paths, and have different experiences, some will reach the ranks of the Grateful Dead, and others may not, but the knowledge is there for everyone, in this life or the next, because choice and accountibility reign supreme. To properly quote my dear brother OZZY...I'll see you on the other side...well, almost all of you. Sons of Perdition excluded.
John 14:2
In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
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